| Historic San Francisco Wit & Humor
of the Age published 1893
produced by: Pacific Coast
Home Supply Association
132 Market Street, San Francisco
publisher: Star Publishing Company - Chicago
Mark
Twain
"The
Interview"
The nervous,
dapper, "peart" young man took the
chair I offered him, and said he was connected
with the Daily Thunderstorm, and
added:
"Hoping it's
no harm, I've come to interview you."
"Come to
what?"
"Interview
you."
"Ah! I see.
Yes--yes. Um! Yes--yes."
I was not feeling
well that morning. Indeed, my powers seemed a bit
under a cloud. However, I went the the bookcase,
and, when I had been looking six or seven
minutes, found I was obliged to refer to the
young man. I said:
"How do you
spell it?"
"Spell
what?"
"Interview."
"Oh, my
goodness!" What do you want to spell it
for?"
"I don't want
to spell it. I want to see what it means."
"Well, this
is astonishing, I must say. I can tell
you what it means, if you--if you" --
"Oh, all
right! That will answer, and much obliged to you,
to0."
"In, in,
ter, ter, inter" --
" Then you
spell it with an I?"
" Why,
certainly!"
" Oh, that is
what took me so long!"
" Why, my
dear sir, what did you propose to spell
it with?"
" Well,
I--I--I-- hardly know. I had the Unabridged; and
I was ciphering around in the back end, hoping I
might see her among the pictures. But it is a
very old edition."
" Why, my
friend, they wouldn't have a picture of
it even in the latest e--------- My dear sir, I
beg your pardon, I mean no harm in the world; but
you do not look as---as---intelligent as I
expected you would. No harm---I mean no harm at
all."
" Oh, don't
mention it! It has often been said, and by people
who would not flatter, and would have no
inducement to flatter, that I am quite remarkable
in that way. Yes---yes, they always speak of it
with rapture."
" I can
easily imagine it. But about this interview. You
know it is the custom now to interview any man
who has become notorious."
" Indeed! I
had not heard of it before. It must be very
interesting. What do you do with it?"
" Au,
well---well---well---this is disheartening. It
ought to be done with a club, in some cases; but
customarily it consists in the interviewer asking
questions, and the interviewed answering them. It
is all the rage now. Will you let me ask you
certain questions calculated to bring out the
salient points of your public and private
history?"
" Oh, with
pleasure---with pleasure. I have a very bad
memory; but I hope you will not mind that. That
is to say, it is an irregular memory, singularly
irregular. Sometimes it goes into a gallop, and
then again it will be as much as a fortnight
passing a given point. This is a great grief to
me."
" Oh, it is
no matter, so you will try to do the best you
can."
" I will. I
will put my whole mind on it."
" Thanks! Are
you ready to begin?"
"
Ready."
Question. How old
are you?
Answer. Nineteen
in June.
Q. Indeed! I would
have taken you to be thirty-five or six. Where
were you born?
A. In Missouri.
Q. When did you
begin to write?
A. In 1836.
Q. Why, how could
that be if you are only nineteen now?
A. I don't know.
It does seem curious somehow.
Q. It does indeed.
Whom do you consider the most remarkable man you
ever met?
A. Aaron Burr.
Q. But you never
could have met Aaron Burr if you are only
nineteen years---- A. Now, if you know more about
me than I do, what do you ask me for?
Q. Well, it was
only a suggestion; nothing more. How did you
happen to meet Burr?
A. Well, I
happened to be at his funeral one day; and he
asked me to make less noise, and---
Q. But, good
heavens! If you were at his funeral he must have
been dead; and, if he was dead, how could he care
whether you made a noise or not?
A. I don't know.
He was always a particular kind of a man that
way.
Q. Still, I don't
understand it at all. You say he spoke to you,
and that he was dead?
A. I didn't say he
was dead.
Q. But wasn't he
dead?
A. Well, some said
he was, some said he wasn't.
Q. What do you
think?
A. Oh, it was none
of my business! It wasn't any of my funeral.
Q. Did you---
However, we can never get this matter straight.
Let me ask you something else. What was the date
of your birth?
A. Monday, October
31, 1693.
Q. What!
Impossible! That would make you a hundred and
eight years old. How do you account for that?
A. I don't account
for it at all.
Q. But you said at
first you were only nineteen, and now you make
yourself out to be a hundred and eighty. It is an
awful discrepancy.
A. Why, have you
noticed that? (Shaking hands.) Many a time it has
seemed to me like a discrepancy; but somehow I
couldn't make up my mind. How quick you notice a
thing.
Q. Thank you for
the compliment, as far as it goes. Had you, or
have you had any brothers or sisters?
A. Eh! I---I---I
think so,---yes,---but I don't remember.
Q. Well, that is
the most extraordinary statement I ever heard.
A. Why, what makes
you think that?
Q. How could I
think otherwise? Why, look here! Who is this
picture on the wall? Isn't that a brother of
yours?
A. Oh, yes, yes!
Now you remind me of it, that was a brother of
mine. That's William, Bill we called him. Poor
old Bill!
Q. Why, he is
dead, then?
A. Ah, well, I
suppose so. We never could tell. There was a
great mystery about it.
Q. This is sad,
very sad. He disappeared then?
A. Well, yes, in a
sort of way. We buried him.
Q. Buried him!
Buried him without knowing whether he was dead or
not?
Q. Oh, no! Not
that. He was dead enough.
Q. Well, I confess
that I can't understand t his. If you buried him,
and you knew he was dead---
A. No, no! Not
that. He was dead enough.
Q. Well, I confess
that I can't understand this. If you buried him,
and you knew he was dead---
A. No, no! We only
thought he was.
Q. Oh, I see! He
came to life again.
A. I bet he
didn't.
Q. Well, I never
heard anything like this. Somebody was dead.
Somebody was buried. Now, where was the mystery?
A. Ah, that's just
it! That's it exactly! You see we were twins,
---defunct and I; and we got mixed in the bath
tub when we were only two weeks old, and one of
me was drowned. But we didn't know which. some
think it was Bill; some think it was me.
Q. Well, that is
remarkable. What do you think?
A. Goodness knows!
I would give whole worlds to know. This solemn,
this awful mystery has cast a gloom over my whole
life. but I will tell you a secret now, which I
never have revealed to any creature before. One
of us had a peculiar mark, a large mole on the
back of his left hand; that was me. That child
was the one that wad drowned!
Q. Very well,
then. I don't see there is any mystery about it,
after all.
A. You don't?
Well, I do. Anyway, I don't see how they could
ever have been such a blundering lot as to go and
bury the wrong child. But, 'sh! don't mention it
where the family can hear it. Heaven knows they
have heart breaking troubles enough without
adding this.
Q. Well, I believe
I have got material enough for the present; and I
am very much obliged to you for the pains you
have taken. But I was a good deal interested in
that account of Aaron Burr's funeral. Would you
mind telling me what particular circumstance it
was that made you think Burr was such a
remarkable man?
A. Oh, it was a
mere trifle! Not one man in fifty would have
noticed it at all. When the sermon was over, and
the procession all ready to start for the
cemetery, and the body all arranged nice in the
hearse, he said he wanted to take a last look at
the scenery; and so he got up, and rode with
the driver.
************************************************************************.*******
* The young man reverently
withdrew. He was very pleasant company; and I was
sorry to see him go.
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